Apricot Balls

I am loving this menu. Serisouly.

I drew up the menu by hand, adding in suppers and the weekend (Deciding on those 6 extra meals and 4 extra snacks was like pulling teeth – but I got there). When I have made it all pretty and ready to go on my fridge, I’ll post a picture here. More on that later.

And this morning we had banana pancakes for breakfast, mamalega (polenta) with cabbage stew for lunch, apricot balls for afternoon snack, and we’re off for supper with the IL’s. It’s all a bit of a mishmash – starting Sunday I want to try and stick with the plan, at least unti it is second nature to sit down for all meals and snacks. And not just eat the quickest easiest thing (salad, fruit, pita etc).

So, I made a bunch of banana pancakes, with extra frozen. I made a stack of apricot balls, with extra frozen. And they are yummy! I have pics to post, just no USB cord I suspect DS has hidden it, and I just have not gotten around to buying another one – I keep hoping it will turn up.

Lunch

I have often written about (or sometimes alluded) to my dificulty with fostering a rhythm in our home. I know that it is good, I am convinced it has the potential to be beneficial for me, the caregiver, and my DS. And I like to read up about just how it can be beneficial – but I have an awfully hard time actually making it happen – hence my purchase of the Winter Menu from Little Acorn Learning. Which I really like. It incorporates Traditional Foods methods in the food preparation (soaking and fermenting) and uses in season fresh foods. I think I am really going to enjoy working with it. Breakfast, lunch and two snacks are now all laid out for me – no need to think

I used one of the recipes from Winter Menu. The coconut pumpkin soup, although I used sweet potatoes instead of pumkin and date syrup instead maple syrup. And it was scrumptious. Now I just need to get going with grinding my own grain and fermenting our bread

And my kitchen is all clean and sparkling…. today is a good day. I even cleaned and organised the fridge. A part of me wants to cringe with embaressment that this has become a worthy goal in my life – but at least I know it is clean and I did not use any harsh chemials to clean it – just warm (ecological) soapy water, and DS helped me scrub the shelves. It was actually kind of fun.

I think I really just needed some sort of frame work to give us a varied diet and the reassurance of knowing what I am preparing (or DH is preparing – he is the more established cook between the two of us). I know what I don’t want (fast food, ready made food, industrial food) and I know I want made from scratch food loosely along the lines of Nourishing Traditions, but yikes. It is a hard one to actually put in practice – for me anyway.

So, here’s to our first day. And hoping that there are more in store and that I do not loose my mind in the predictability of having each week planned so meticulously…. I know I need it, I suspect DS needs it, it’s just so, argh!!!

Mourning

I put on some old Crosby Stills and Nash this morning and was taken back to my mum through the song Teach Your Children. I sang it at school and also sang it at home with my dad on the guitar and me and my mum singing together.

The moment my father told me my mother had died is so starkly imprinted in my mind. My world stopped spinning for that moment. It just stopped.

I am still trying to make sense of this reality – that my mother is no longer in this world and that I no longer have that base of support. I recently received some photos from my dad (included in this post), and I just broke down. I was crying for the missed opportunities and the unmet potential. As I cried I knew that it was pointless. She is gone. And what about celebrating her life instead of being miserable about all that was not perfect. The photo that actually was unbearably painful for me was this one. It looks so perfect. A part of me wants to believe there were moments of perfection. But I also know it wasn’t all that perfect.

My family outside our home on a biodynamic farm - a moment caught unaware

 

I have been thinking a fair amount about my relationship with my mother and the pain that that memory evokes.

We never really got to know each other. We never really understood each other. And she still remains elusive to me.

I have also been thinking a fair amount about therapy and why I am happy to be giving it a break.

I had the feeling like my therapist was interested in helping me understand how the important relationships in my life helped mould my experience of myself and my life. And when I was able to see my mother through critical eyes, I had the feeling like my therapist felt he had done his job. My mother was no longer a mythical figure in my life.

And yet, I have been feeling in this time of mourning that his job was not done. He could have taken it a step further, towards encouraging me to find the tools to take what I had learned about my mothers shortcoming and weave that into a compassionate attempt to heal the rifts. This was ultimately my responsibility, and I missed the opportunity. And that hurts. Some want to comfort me by telling me that our relationship is not lost and that I can indeed work towards that healing even though my mother has died. I do not see how this can be. I wish it were so, but it eludes me.

And this all ties up with my IL’s too. I have to have some sort of relationship with them. And more importantly, I want my DH to heal any rifts or hurts that he carries with him. That is after all such a huge part of life – being at peace with life and the people in your life. So when I rant and rage about how completley inappropriate my IL’s are, I know that I need to be somehow taking it a step further….

My mother with me in 1977

Mum, I miss you and our potenital so very much. I hurt that we can never go out for another tea at our favorite cafe next to the sea in Kalk Bay – that we can never share what it means to be Mother – never know each other as a person. I still need you.

Update

DS at my SIL's wedding

I have been having a rough time with sleep, as I wrote about earlier. It’s getting much better. Last night we went through the steps of supper (table clear of clutter and a candle for a more serene mood), bath, pajama’s, bed time story in bed, DS switching the light off and snuggling down to breastfeed and in 15 minutes he was fast asleep. I was extatic.

I have also been reading up far too much about vaccines and the immune system. It is not making me happy. I know that vaccines are not going to be part of our preventative health options in our family. I however doubt that every problem in modern societies can be atrributed to vaccines.  And I am getting tired of investing so much time and energy in seeing just how wrong most of the scientific community are when it comes to vaccines. I know enough to know that I want to support our innate immune system as best I can, and not freak out when DS gets sick. I know enough to keep our commensal bacteria happy through diet and lifestyle and avoiding drugs, heavy metals, chemical cleaners, etc. I also know enough to make sure my next birth is at home and that it stays at home.

Anyway, I have also been feeling the need to grow my mind a bit. I have stagnated and it does not feel good. I need to have something going on in my head other than health and childcare. So, I found free courses available through MIT – no certificate or registration, but at least I can expand my mind somewhat – and register should the bug bite.

On the issue of what to study, I have been thinking of getting into something like TCM. Through my reading up on health, I find this approach and understanding of health and disease far more comprehensive than what my ped/GP has to offer. However, I have also thought of doing my masters in OT with a Senosry Integration spin. I think my challenge is to find something that I can study and then apply to real life. I love gathering knowledge, but then get cold feet about applying it – all sorts of self esteem issues there. I seem to really believe that I can’t apply what I am learning, unless it is being a mother. I seem to be applying all that I learn there without any conflict or insecurity…. well kind of. I know I need a strong rhythm in our home, based on mealtimes and rest times, play times etc. And it eludes me. I just kind of whoosh from one thing to another – other than the sleep, it’s all approximate.

I am thinking of trying to use the anthroposphical idea of a grain a day/colour a day. I have not read enough about it to know if I agree or not about all that goes with planetary influences, etc. I do hope it will give me the frameowork I need to have more of a varied diet – ensuring I don’t get stuck on oat porridge, pita with eggs and salad as our staples. The more I read about diet and food, the more I think have a varied whole foods diet is the key…… anyway, I got lazy and ordered the Little Acorn Leaning winter childcare menu…. I’ll see if it helps me get myself more organised.

As I write it is pouring rain outside. Winter has arrived, and with it the need for rubber boots, indoor shoes and warm drinks. I always love the change of season.

Oh, and the pic is just ‘cos I love it.

Sleep deprived

And miserable.

I have been MIA due to sever sleep issues in our family. DS went on a waking every half hour stint for about a week and is now on a sleep strike, taking anywhere from 2 – 2 1/2 hours to fall asleep for each nap and at bedtime.

I have been unable to figure out what has caused this upheaval, other than one night of fever and no other illness following. I have had to resort to ecological disposable nappies as he has been wetting his nappies beyond their absorption capacity – and that has made a difference to his night waking. But investing 4 1/2 hours in getting to sleep, like I did yesterday, is just not working for me.

Thankfully DH is working close to home today, so he has come home to take DS off my hands after half an hour of no sleep success.

I lost it yesterday. screaming into my pillow -  slamming the table with my open hand. I fantasized about being able to intimidate my son into sleeping. Which I know is impossible and not something I would follow through on even if I could. Disturbed sleep and being chronically sleep deprived is just horrid.

Add to that my FIL (the doctor) being a complete jerk at his daughter’s wedding (to me, not her) and I am a seething cauldron of annoyance at the moment. DS was one of the stars of the show at the wedding and people were commenting on how comfortable and confident he is, and FIL piped up with “Yes, he has all he could need being at home with his mother. Although I am not sure it is such a great idea as it will be harder for him to start school if he is used to being with his mother”.

Nothing like, “You’re doing such a great job with him, he is so delightful”. No, rather telling me I am ruining his chances at happiness early by giving him a secure and happy infancy and toddlerhood. Grrrrr.

I really should not be surprised and I should not let it bother me. But it is just so disrespectful to twist circumstances against me. I am sure that if my son were timid and shy I would have been told that it is because he is not in kindie.

For the record, I do not think children at home equals happy chilled out children and children in care equals stressed out unhappy children. Personality has so much to do with it, and the quality of the home and the quality of the care are obviously important.

Anyway, FIL is a very limited person despite his achievements in his career (I am following his published work on pubmed, which is a bit weird, but interesting). And I will have to work on myself with regards to not taking it personally when he finds opportunity to point out my mistakes in parenting. This from a man who has been father in name only to his son (my DH). Well, he has tried to guide DH into not getting married, not buying a house, not having a family. Any sort of choice that involves a committment and demands of DH to be a responsible adult freaks him out. And his type of fathering is to tell his daughter her mother has cancer, it does not look good and then follow this with instruction to not come and be with them, but to study?!

So yeah, this man clearly has emotional issues which are not about to resolve themselves any time soon.And they haven’t. It really upsets me how he relates to his wife and father as medical statistics – but that is a whole other issue. And also to a certain extent none of my business. Neither of his wife nor his father have a problem with his attitude from what I can see, and it is working for them. They adore him and he can do no wrong.

In the mean time I need to get to grips with our daily/weekly/monthly/annual rhythm. It’s so not happening at the moment and I am certain much of our sleep issue would be resolved with more of a structure to our time. I need to be more proactive and less responsive.

Probably when it comes to that set of IL’s too.

Parenthood and conforming

I can’t remember where I read about the study, Parenthood Makes Moms More Liberal, Dads More Conservative, but I was reminded of it yesterday when out with DS and DH in Tel Aviv.

Another family with a little boy were taking an interest in the cloth diapers and wooden toys. DH struck up a converstation with the mum while I ate my brunch and the father of the little boy chatted with his friends. The mother confided that she doesn’t want to put her son into a kindy and her husband does.

And so me and DH chatted about how mums often don’t like the kindy option and dads often do. And why. Why mothers are more likely to not conform on such issues and why fathers are more likely to conform. (Where we live it is the norm for children to be in a kindy by one year of age, often earlier. The reasons cited are improved overall development in language and social skills)

DH shared that he feels more of a tendency to conform on issues like health care and education since he became a father. And I know that my tendency to not conforming has dramatically increased since becoming a mother. I am definitly more interested in what is right for me and my family and not really interested in what ‘the majority’ do, unless of course it fits for us.

When looking at issues to do with child welfare, it is mothers who are making the most noise when it comes to making a choice on the vaccine issue, to searching out the best care for their children and to deciding how best to nourish their children. Fathers *are* there too. My DH is finding his personal way of relating to the changes being made in our home. But I think it is largely mothers who are prepared to initiate the challenge to the consensus when it comes to the health and well being of their children. This is very broadly speaking.

In my circle, including myself and my DH, the fathers are much more inclined to convince the mother to agree to putting the child into daycare/kindy. Often with the very best intentions. Some mama’s question some of the reasoning and wonder if starting day care at such a tender age can really be in the childs best interest. Ie I am prepared to challenge the conventional wisdom of putting lots of little children into group daycare with 6 children to every carer. I am also prepared to challenge the conventional wisdom of injecting my baby with mulitple vaccines. I had to become a mother to go the extra mile when it comes to challenging these social epxectations. And for now our choices are working for us – despite being very unusual.

Woo hoo

I met another like minded mama and her two boys. I am so excited to have found such a gentle and creative family so close by. This is big big news for us. DS had a grand time exploring a new home and getting to play with new toys and meet new children. And jump on a trampoline, visit the neighbours hens, share a mango. Just have a most excellent time, while two mama’s had real conversation. Chatting about Waldorf, Enki, Israel, mothering, crafting, IL’s.

This comes a day after I had been tested for my patience with DS testing his boundaries, and mine. My 3 minute walk to the local fruit and veg place became more than a half an hour meander as DS found his own route through the public garden. His latest love is climbing anything and everything. The rock monument proved to be irresistable, and he was climbing up and walking along the large rocks, while I practiced patient breathing. I turned my attention to observing how he makes decisions and how he does know his limits. He knows when he can step from rock to rock and when he needs my help, and does not hesitate to ask for it. But he will only hold my hand as long as is necessary, and then he is off again. On the issue of holding me hand, I am trying to instill a ‘tradition’ of taking my hand when we cross any road. It is proving difficult, as he will take my hand to make the curb, but then wants to run in the road. Practice makes perfect I hope, and for now I am always right by his side when we are  near a road. But I do wish he was a little more reticent about crossing roads by himself.

E, I am very much looking forward to our next play date. A puppet show sounds wonderful. Glorious. Perhaps we can felt some puppets together? Hugs to Y and little E. Lyla tov

Life is full or surprises

I have two mother in laws. And both of them have played an important role in how I have developed as a mother. Until recently I was mostly defending myself to them. And yet, I have come to appreciate both of them in different was and for different reasons.

One of them has just been diagnosed with cancer. Hence my absense from the blog. It has been an emotionally draining time as we waited for news and results from tests. It is looking good. It looks like she will not even need chemo now after the surgery. And this is the MIL with whom I have a strained relationship to say the least. And yet we were able to talk honestly and openly about life and about me loosing my mother and her being diagnosed with cancer. It is a cliche, but such life changing experiences really do put things into perspective. And I have gotten over my anger that my SIL did not have to deal with loosing her mother unexpectedly. The reality of loosing my mother was brought home to me when I saw the panic around me with my SIL thinking she *might* loose her mother.

My 2nd MIL is a woman with whom I have had my differences with regards to parenting choices. Yet, essentially she has tried to be supportive, even when she has called me extreme.

And it is this MIL who took the time to tell me how admiring she is of how I have chosen to mother my son. How I inform myself on the importance of nutrition, preventative measures for health, discipline that empowers my son, not belittles him etc. She really spoke from the heart about how much she admires me for doing what I feel is best for my family. We also spoke about my relationship with her son. And how much DH and I have learned and grown from each other and from being parents together. She respects our relationship so much and appreciates me in a way that I did not know. It felt so good to know that I am so appreciated and respected.

In turn I could be more open with her and explain why I am concered about plastic in my sons environment and that I am still trying to decide where ‘the line’ is that will inform me on decisions regarding having plastic in his life. And to share a bit more about why I chose organic foods where possible. We actually had a non threatening conversation on such charged issues.

Today is Yom Kippur. I still have not decided how I want to observe Yom Kippur. I’ll get there. This year is not the year for me to honestly consider what this day means for me.

But I did want to share my experience of a softening in relations between myself and two women who are significant in my life, even if we don’t see eye to eye.

I look forward to posting more frequently again. I am sewing a wonder box and look forward to posting pics and experiences.

Fear of swine flu sends Israelis scrambling for hand sanitizer

This article in Haaretz just annoyed me.

There has been a 4000% increase in sales on hand sanitisers. Almost every shop I have been into has these hand sanitisers for sale at the till, at about 10 NIS a 100 ml bottle. Parents are being required to equip their children with wet wipes and hand sanitiser? Good grief, the insanity is mind boggling. Soap and water are just fine.

And the saddest part is that it is antibacterial and swine flu, mexican flu or H1N1 is a virus. Antibacterial gels can’t protet you from a virus. And they are full of nasties.

Read here for some more on why antibacterial soaps and hand sanitisers are not such a hot idea.

Triclosan and triclocarban, and why you don’t want them on your skin.

Eat your fresh fruit and veggies, get out into the sun without sunscreen, get lots of sleep, love and laughter. And eat those fermented foods

The Wonder Box

I found a pattern, with instruction for sewing and using it.

I am so excited. My mother had one of these when we arrived in South Africa in 1982. We used it to make yoghurt, rice, porridge. When I was back now with my father after my mothers death, I even made him chicken soup in this Wonder Box. The one in my parents house is beautiful, a deep burgundy colour withgold  embroidery and tassles. I wish I had a photo.

I am inspired and would like to make one for my family.

A quick intro from the site linked in this post:

The Wonder Box Cooker recipes and instructions originated from a booklet published by “Compassion” of South Africa in 1978,1979 and 1980. “Compassion” registered name Wonder Box and the logo of the kneeling figure. This information may be freely quoted, acknowledgments being made to “Compassion”

Wonder Boxes work like vacuum flasks. In these days when we are being warned of worldwide shortages of food and fuel, this wonder box and it’s simplicity is designed to keep food at the temperature needed for cooking.  Using very little fuel you only use about 15 minutes of energy to bring the food to the required temperature and then put it into the Wonder box. It makes it as though it were a thermos.  On the flip side it will also keep ice-cream cold for about 4 hours.

A wonderful way to save on energy