I have just received my copy of Mothering magazine and have read an article about ‘real boys play with dolls’. Well, I read the article to my DH. Both of us loved it for different reasons.
I am so excited about being a parent, about being one of the people who is there for my son to open the door into our world – to show him the beauties and wonders of our world. To guide him towards a love of the world and all of creation. I hope to model respect and gratitude and through this give my son (and our family as it grows) the tools to build a good and honest life….. such lofty hopes.
I grew up in an Anthroposophical home and was educated in a Waldorf school. One criticism of anthroposophists that I could identify with, was that they had such high ideals and they were not in touch with the reality of life. I do not want to fall into this trap. I would love for my ‘lofty hopes’ to guide me, not bind me. To inspire me, not trap me. I guess this is largely where the beauty of life is gathered, in this meeting of hopes for the future and the reality of the moment. I would love to buy only organic, sustainable, fair trade etc toy, food, cleaning products, clothes, hygiene etc. I would LOVE to. However, it is not realistic with me being a SAHM and us having one salary to support the family. Compromises have to be made. I try not to let that undermine my hope and optimism. For me it is more important to be at home with my boy and compromise on some of our commodities than have the money to support the best decision, but not have lived my dream of being a SAHM. This is my choice.
What also got me thinking, is the counseling session that DH and I have just come home from. The issues of being authentic, of being powerful, of not smudging and not building fairy tales are all issues that are drumming in my soul. Our therapist, who was my therapist for some years, remarked at how powerful I have become. And I feel that power. Becoming a mother and listening to my heart and my body and making choices that are informed and powerful are changing my daily experience of myself and my world. I feel myself blossoming (for lack of a better word) and I feel a confidence that I have always known is lurking deep down but had not found it’s mouth piece. Motherhood is helping me voice this confidence and finally express my hidden parts. No longer do I feel like I need to appologize for who I am. And this is no small statement.
I think I can honestly say that becoming a mother has totally changed and revolutionized my life and brought me back to myself. Yes, I CRAVE sleep. And I wish there was something that could substitute me when DS is glued to me 24/7…. just for 15 minutes to drink my coffee or write down and out what I am experiencing.
So. it is starting to come together in my mind and heart as I begin to get an inkling of the power that is being unleashed through my journey into motherhood. This is very potent stuff.
My heart goes out to all the mothers around the world making the choices and decisions to best suit them and their families – and now I need to go to sleep.