Well, I am a bit late on my blog, but DS turned one 2 days ago. I found myself thinking thoughts like, 365 nights of not sleeping through the night… but I am just a bit moody right now. I also am completely blown away by what this last year has brought me in terms of becoming a mother. I always knew I had it in me, but it is just so so much more. The mystery and honour of becoming the guardian of this new life just inspires and terrifies me.
I never would have thought that myself and DH could touch such sensitive places in our souls. I never would have thought that I would be even mildly sane after a year of sleep deprivation ( I do *not* do well with less than 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep). I never would have thought I would want another child in the same way that I ached for this child. I also did not know if I would manage being at home with an infant…. and yet I feel I have taken this opportunity with both hands and an open heart and it has taken me places so beautiful, so hard and so real. I highly recommend it.
Right now I sit here typing as DS sleeps, my buns are rising before I put them in the oven and I have burnt the topping for the apple crumble. Tomorrow one half of my Israeli family are coming to celebrate DS’s birthday…. and I am n-e-r-v-o-u-s. I always get a bit jumpy when the family come to visit – food is a big big deal and that I don’t want to serve gourmet food always makes me feel a little inadequate. IL’s are always preparing highly succulent feasts, and I don’t have the time or money…. however, tomorrow is making me more nervous than usual. I kind of feel like I have to present a perfect house and show off all that I have achived in our home since I stay at home. I am a star at putting a ton of pressure on myself.
Bathroom sparkling? tick
Kitchen sparkling? tick
Dinner table decked to the nines? tick
Toys (wooden, open ended, natural – all the stuff MIL does not understand) attractively displayed? tick
Garden all neat with new veggies growing? tick
It is so so silly. Of course no one is judging me on how clean and sparkling my house is, and no one will take a second look as to how carefully I have planned this meal and the atmosphere around it. And if that is how they are judging me, well, I guess that would have to be their problem.
For me it does come down to a desire to be accepted and respected by my IL’s. That the 2nd set did not even pick up a phone, sms, email, NOTHING speaks volumes. But it is not news that we do not like each other – I just seem to be having a hard time accepting that they are just that horrible.
So, yummy organic buns are going into the oven…. DH is buying more butter for the apple crumble and I hope DS keeps sleeping so that I can get everything in order for tomorrow.