Yesterday I had a lovely day at my little local organic cafe with one of the women from the local crunchy mama group. Our boys had a great time playing in the garden and we had a totally delicious meal, with lots of chatting.
This mother is looking at putting her son into Gan (kindy) in the next month (he is 2 days older than DS) and is very excited about giving him this opportunity. She has also had 2 mornings free a week while a nanny cares for her son. I think this has been happening for 6+ months – but I digress.
I just found myself uncertain of myself and the completeness with which I have embraced the role of mother. While I long for another pair of arms to hold my DS if I am cooking, reading a really cool MDC thread or trying to do whatever it is that DS would prefere I weren’t doing – for the most part I am just happy being a mom. And creating a gentle space at home and aiming for those home cooked meals, fresh veggies from the garden, healthy child playing outside in the sun and a home smelling of enticing scents that invite the visitor into my home. These have become the things that bring me meaning in my day. And I feel a certain sense of shame that perhaps these are not worthy goals.
Why do I not yearn for the days I did not have a baby in tow? I was wondering if I am not normal for not wanting to be alone and having my own life badly enough. Enough that I would leave DS in the care of another (in my case stranger).
Much thinking later I am coming to the following conclusion. This is a very short period in my life and I am actually probably the happiest I have ever been. I do not want to give up on what is making me happy and I am not going to go looking for things to do so that I can leave my son in someone elses care. In the matter of a few short years by design my life will be totally different and in a few more short years I will no doubt be right back in a workplace.
For now, for us, this is working.