Another questioning post

Motherhood right now

Motherhood right now

Yesterday I had a lovely day at my little local organic cafe with one of the women from the local crunchy mama group. Our boys had a great time playing in the garden and we had a totally delicious meal, with lots of chatting.

This mother is looking at putting her son into Gan (kindy) in the next month (he is 2 days older than DS) and is very excited about giving him this opportunity. She has also had 2 mornings free a week while a nanny cares for her son. I think this has been happening for 6+ months – but I digress.

I just found myself uncertain of myself and the completeness with which I have embraced the role of mother. While I long for another pair of arms to hold my DS if I am cooking, reading a really cool MDC thread or trying to do whatever it is that DS would prefere I weren’t doing – for the most part I am just happy being a mom. And creating a gentle space at home and aiming for those home cooked meals, fresh veggies from the garden, healthy child playing outside in the sun and a home smelling of enticing scents that invite the visitor into my home. These have become the things that bring me meaning in my day. And I feel a certain sense of shame that perhaps these are not worthy goals.

Why do I not yearn for the days I did not have a baby in tow? I was wondering if I am not normal for not wanting to be alone and having my own life badly enough. Enough that I would leave DS in the care of another (in my case stranger).

Much thinking later I am coming to the following conclusion. This is a very short period in my life and I am actually probably the happiest I have ever been. I do not want to give up on what is making me happy and I am not going to go looking for things to do so that I can leave my son in someone elses care. In the matter of a few short years by design my life will be totally different and in a few more short years I will no doubt be right back in a workplace.

For now, for us, this is working.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Another questioning post

  1. Did you yearn for being a teenager when you were in your twenties? Did you yearn for being a child when you were a teenager? Did you yearn for being a baby when you were a child? For all I know, you might have done, but if you did you’d probably take it as a sign that you hadn’t had enough of the whatever the previous period had to offer, and you were trying to make up. Perhaps you have just had enough of being on your own, and now it is time what you have gathered so far in your life with your boy!

    He’s very cute by the way 🙂

  2. Amen! I have also questioned myself, recently. I, too came to the conclusion that this is the happiest time of my life (so far) and that the simple life agrees with me. Thank you for so eloquently expressing yourself.

  3. mamawork

    Dimitra – I would have to agree – I had had enough of my life prior to being a mother. I was and am ready for this phase of my life 🙂 Just like I will be ready for a different phase when I have walking talking busy children.
    Thanks Xx

    Charlotte – thanks for stopping by 🙂 Yes to the simple life

  4. I fully agree that the internet is a blessing for us. Without connections that I have made online I would not have succeeded in breastfeeding my son. The online support network has been So important for me in many many ways. It helped me find myself as a parents and avoid feeling isolated!

  5. somehow my comment ended up on the wrong post…sorry about that… obviously i haven’t master the internet yet. 😉

  6. talestotell

    hey there

    (as you know!) I blog from Gaza (only another month though sadly) at http://www.talestotell.wordpress.com, and I found your blog because you linked to mine during the attacks. I appreciate that, because it may be that you are a path there for Israeli folks who wouldn’t otherwise find blogs about Gaza.

    It was interesting reading your Gaza-related posts, because you are clearly a compassionate (and lefty!) person. I guess I just wanted to say to you and everyone – thank god the Dec/Jan attacks are over, but please – keep watching. Just under normal occupation, there is shooting and shelling every day (particularly on the fishermen and farmers) and injuries and killings every week.

    Israeli folks don’t have to listen to me, there are many Israeli human rights groups speaking out. You will find some under my links section, and they will have links to more.

    Also have a look at

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/series/gaza-war-crimes-investigation

    In case you and your other readers don’t know this, in my experience the majority of Palestinians hope for a one state solution where Israelis and Palestinians have equal rights. People here go out of their way to explain to me (in case I didn’t know!) that Zionists are different from Jewish people generally or Israelis specifically, that the Israeli government cannot be equated with the Israeli people generally. Sometimes they are more optimistic about that second one than I manage to be, but I try to remember that my government invaded Iraq and I would hate to be held responsible for that.

    Please, Israeli readers, support your soldiers who are speaking out to tell the truth ( http://www.btselem.org/) about what they did not only in these attacks but in many others, and the refuseniks (http://december18th.org/) that refuse to do army service altogether.

    Israeli soldiers were shooting women and children they could clearly see, in some cases who were mere feet away from them. I know the families whose babies died this way.

    And dear blog writer – in case you didn’t already, it is totally possible to go and visit the West Bank – ask any of the Israeli human rights groups with links there if you would like more info or support, or just look like a tourist and march on past that damn wall – and you will be welcomed (inevitably with very sugary tea). You sound like someone who would find common ground with the locals in about 2 minutes. Just start on the topic of children!

  7. mamawork

    Tales to Tell –

    Thank you for stopping by. I have been cringing with horror as the stories come out and the IDF kind of shrugs.

    It is very very moving for me to read that the people on the Palestinian side long for a one state solution. When I came to Israel almost 5 years ago, I was sure this was the only sustainable solution. It is such a small piece of land it just seemed impossible to divide it. And yet, after living in Israel, I have to admit I do not see this as being possible any time soon. It is not a sentiment held by most people I know. Perhaps with a different leadership something could change.

    In my hopes for this region, a two state solution would be part of the process to getting to a one state solution.

    It actually is very reassuring that ordinary people are wanting that. I often feel overwhelmed and lacking in hope.

    This just makes it so much clearer that the people need to speak to each other and move the current leaders out of the way. I hope one day to make this communication part of my life in a more concrete way.

    I continue to read your blog and really appreciate having your perspective. I wish you well

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