We are back in our home, finding our routine again. For some unknown reason DS hardly pooped the whole trip and is now making up for it by pooping 4-5 times a day – real little turds 🙂 (only a mother could find this at all endearing).
With our return back to our home in Israel – has come the intense, at times overwhelming feeling, that this is not *my* home. Yes, I speak Hebrew, yes I own a home here, yes I have a job if i want it, yes I have a few freinds here and I am even a citizen here. In contrast to what it was like to be near my family and to be in my home town – it is just not comparable.
I need support as a mother. It is not something I think I can manage without. For the health of my marraige, my sanity and the sanity of my child (children) – I cannot do this alone and in so much conflict.
Resistance is the word that has left the strongest impression on me. Resistance to the choices I make as a mother, wife and person in my own right. And I am tired of meeting that resistance. Not tired enough to just say ‘f*ck it, I’ll just change’ – but tired enough to contemplate relocating.
It is hard for me to consider asking DH to move his life. I feel the responsibility of taking him away from his family and his life/job/country/friends to be HUGE. I am not sure I am brave enough to do that. And yet, I was brave enough to move myself to a country that has seriously xenophonbic issues, a foreign language and a very different culture. And I have done it. On the surface of things it has been a huge success.
Like DH having taken responisbility for my happiness here to a certain extent, I think I would feel responsible for his happiness in ‘my’ country.
And South Africa is hardly a thriving safe place to relocate to. I do not even know if DH would find a job there or if we would be safe and happy there. I do know that my family would support my choices (if only because they know better than to interfer) and that they would provide the support and peace of mind that I so need as a mother. I just would not have to be going against the current when it comes to food, toys, play, lifestyle etc etc. And I might actually get out for dates with my husband, knowing that my son will be in good hands – that I trust.
I have not quite rid myself of my parents pervasive habit of being overly optimistic – but the one outstanding thing that did happen on our retuen was MIL’s husband going to extra mile and stocking out fridge with organic produce. He completely poo -poo’s organics – but wanted to support me in my choices and I will always remember that kindness.