Life goes on

I am missing this

I am missing this

We are back in our home, finding our routine again. For some unknown reason DS hardly pooped the whole trip and is now making up for it by pooping 4-5 times a day – real little turds 🙂 (only a mother could find this at all endearing).

With our return back to our home in Israel – has come the intense, at times overwhelming feeling, that this is not *my* home. Yes, I speak Hebrew, yes I own a home here, yes I have a job if i want it, yes I have a few freinds here and I am even a citizen here. In contrast to what it was like to be near my family and to be in my home town – it is just not comparable.

I need support as a mother. It is not something I think I can manage without. For the health of my marraige, my sanity and the sanity of my child (children) – I cannot do this alone and in so much conflict.

Resistance is the word that has left the strongest impression on me. Resistance to the choices I make as a mother, wife and person in my own right. And I am tired of meeting that resistance. Not tired enough to just say ‘f*ck it, I’ll just change’ – but tired enough to contemplate relocating.

It is hard for me to consider asking DH to move his life. I feel the responsibility of taking him away from his family and his life/job/country/friends to be HUGE. I am not sure I am brave enough to do that. And yet, I was brave enough to move myself to a country that has seriously xenophonbic issues, a foreign language and a very different culture. And I have done it. On the surface of things it has been a huge success.

Like DH having taken responisbility for my happiness here to a certain extent, I think I would feel responsible for his happiness in ‘my’ country.

And South Africa is hardly a thriving safe place to relocate to. I do not even know if DH would find a job there or if we would be safe and happy there. I do know that my family would support my choices (if only because they know better than to interfer) and that they would provide the support and peace of mind that I so need as a mother. I just would not have to be going against the current when it comes to food, toys, play, lifestyle etc etc. And I might actually get out for dates with my husband, knowing that my son will be in good hands – that I trust.

I have not quite rid myself of my parents pervasive habit of being overly optimistic – but the one outstanding thing that did happen on our retuen was MIL’s husband going to extra mile and stocking out fridge with organic produce. He completely poo -poo’s organics – but wanted to support me in my choices and I will always remember that kindness.


1 Comment

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One response to “Life goes on

  1. Or perhaps you can both decide to move to a third country so that no one is responsible for anybody’s happiness? (I do know that is not quite that simple, and it sort of defeats your main point in this post — I’m just being silly I guess.)

    But, anyway, moving to another country really forces you to redefine yourself and it’s generally for the best. My guess is that your DH would be better off for it in the long run.

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