Since I can remember I have had two images of myself in my minds eye.
One is a woman with long flowing hair twirling in a field full of flowers wearing a light cotton swirling skirt and a knitted cotton top, bearfoot and smiling. Somehow this image has captured wholesomeness for me.
The other image is of me in a suit with my hair tied up, face made up, nails manicured, high heel shoes and my briefcase in hand. I look much more stern in the image in my mind.
Both of these images have been equally appealing to me at different times, and I think also equally confusing, as they seem so contradictory. And I know that within myself there is a huge conflict about just who I am and what are my values and what values do I want to nurture in my family. Yep, motherhood once again demands of me to be honest with myself and be the best person I can be.
At the moment I am feeling like the flower woman is who I am at heart and the manicured woman is whom I sometimes feel I have to be in order to be respected (one day I’ll look at why it is just so important to me to be respected ).
Somehow, in my mind, the flower woman does not deserve the same respect the manicured one does. In the culture in which I live, image means a lot and free flowing cotton does not inspire the same respect that tailored suits do.
I guess this is essentially about me and my confidence in myself. Do I really care what people think of me? Can that be important enough to me to not be true to my values and the things that I hold dear? Why can I not be both flowing cotton and tailored suit whatever I wear?
Today I am in shorts and a nursing tank top. It’s comfortable and practicle.
I guess what I am trying to tell myself, is that I need to make peace with the fact that my family eats organic local food as much as is possible, that we clean our house with ecological products, that I am raising my child at home myself, that I have a healthy suspicion of all things modern medicine related, that I find sense in a Waldorf approach to educating children, that I have religious feelings etc etc.This is part of who I am and it isn’t working for me to try and pretend these things are not important to me when in the company of people who belittle these choices or do not understand them. Somehow I need to make peace with the fact that I am a little bit out of the ordinary in my choices, and not feel defensive or apologetic about it. That just is who I am, and others might find it easier to accept if I accept it in myself.
(I hope to move out of this stage of defining more clearly who I am and what my values are and be able to focus on actually building those values 😉 )