I am not fighting the mourning process, and like birth, it is such a huge and life changing event that it takes time to get your head around it and make sense of it.
I still feel numb or devastated when I think of my mother and the fact that she is no longer here with us – but I am also starting to feel a little bit alive – a little bit at peace. This morning my son woke up and snuggled his cheek to mine and I felt a moment of happiness. This after some nights where I was going crazy with the invasion of my privacy by a needy toddler looking for some midnight comfort. I am glad I did not decide to night wean in a moment of desperation. Although I realise this option is still on the table if that is what I need. I see no benefit to suffering through breastfeeding if that becomes an all too frequent occurance at night.