Monthly Archives: December 2009

And life moves forward

I miss her

have slowly been getting used to the idea that my mother is no longer with me. I have been fretting about our second child (still to be conceived) and worrying about how I will handle a new born together with DS and alone, without my mother. Our plan had been for her to come out for a period of time after the birth. I had hoped that it would be up to 3 months, but we had not spoken on the duration of the time.

So, I need to do this without her.

Add to that, my father has met a woman. A woman who makes him so happy, I can just hear the happiness bubbling out of his throat.

This woman sounds very special, and certainly worthy (!) of my fathers love.

I had imagined him finding a different partner at some time. In my fantasy, it would be a woman for him to go travelling the world, to see theatre, movies and concerts. To share the good life he was supposed to be able to share with my mother in their older years.

This woman is herself a mother to young girls (12 and 14, I think). She is 8 years older than me and significantly younger than my father. Which I don’t really have a problem with, her being younger. It’s more that it means she is in a different stage of her life from my father and by being with her, he becomes part of another family raising children. I am very confused about him becoming a part of a totally different family. I feel like I will loose him. And I feel like I am loosing any semblance of my family life that was left after my mother died.

My brother assures me that dad is much happier and has come back to life, so to speak. He was just going through the motions and not finding much point to life. So, for that, this new woman certainly has an important role to play in my fathers happiness.

Her and I are in touch via email. And she is amazingly open and honest with me, and I really do feel like there is a wonderful potential not only in her relationship with my father, but also with me.

Just right now, knowing that she and her girls are away in the mountains with my father, as both ‘sides’ get to know each other hiking, braaing (BBQ) and lounging in the pool makes me accutely unhappy. I do not know if I am ready to let go of the image of our family together as it was when my mother was alive. I do not think I have even fully accepted that my mother is dead. And now I am being forced to.

My parents honoured each other for 34 years and kept their fidelity. While that is not being threatened just yet, it is so hard for me to think of the family unit that I grew up with falling apart. It is just my memory of it for now, but that is shaken knowing that in the future, my father will no doubt join his life with this woman’s. And a new family dynamic will start.

And together in all of this, is my deeper questioning of my relationship with my mother. My trying to fathom who she was as a person. And in some ways being intensly angry at her for dying and leaving us with such a gaping hole.

Our last hike together up behind my parents home

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Chanukka

Not your average looking sufganiyah, but it was super tasty with blueberry jam centre. Yum

I tried these sufganiyot, only with whole spelt flour rather than regular flour and I left it to rise over 6 hours, not half an hour.

We also made these latkes.

I loved watching DS’s face glow in the candle light as his grandfather lit the candles and we sang the bracha (blessing) and Chanukka songs. Oddly, DH thought DS looked uncomfortable. I really enjoyed the evening and DH felt awkward singing songs and lighting candles. It is not something he grew up with. And yet I am so happy his 2nd dad is there to pass on the tradition to DS. It is something I want DS growing up with as part of his his life experience and identity.

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Pancakes

I have been wanting to get into grinding my own flour at home. Mostly as I am sure that freshly ground flour is ore nutritious than flour that has been packaged and sitting around for months.

Anyway, a friend (thanks E) has lent me her hand mill, and DH and I rolled up our sleeves and got to work.

The mill in action

And went on to make buckwheat pancakes. They were super yummy 🙂

The pancakes

I have also ground wheat (much harder) to make a pie crust for a sweet potatoe pie. It was a little nutty, but deliciously scrumptious.

Now I just need to source a mill here in Israel – or figure out how to get one here from the USA.

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A meander down the road

I have been meaning to take my camera with me when I go out for our walks together.

Off I go

Water please (Mayim)

Squishing berries

It’s finally chilly enough for me to put DS into the handspun/hand dyed jersey I knitted him. I think he looks just gorgeous.

DS found another little boy this morning who is also at home, with a nanny. They had great fun splashing in puddles and see sawing together. DS also has learnt to climb the ladder on the jungle gym. He really is becoming more and more his own person.

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