I have been missing from my own life and from this blog too.
I have too much going on in my head.
I am trying to sort out what I believe in light of my mothers passing. And I just do not know…. I think about it a bit, and then get distracted by life and don’t ever really sort it out into something that leaves me with a sense of calm when I think of birth and death. I can fully understand the need to week long meditation getaways… not that I will be able to do something like that any time soon. I don’t even get it together to go and talk to my rabbi.
I also am trying to sort out what it means in my life that my father is marrying again. It leaves me uncertain of his role in my life, and how much I can rely on him to be there for my family as he becomes part of another family. Simultaneously, I am very happy and excited for him, and I eagerly anticipate being able to share this special day for him. I need to find a way for the memory of my mother to be part of this.
I have also finally told my MIL to back off and we are now not even communicating. This has been very stressful for DH, as he feels his family falling apart, with no hope for me and his mother getting along. This has also raised issues for me about my communication style and how I probably would have been feeling better if I communicated directly with her on each issue as it arises, rather than bite my tongue over months/years and then explode. I have also stepped away from the pressure to be on good relations for the sake of family peace. I am not the only one with a communication problem. My MIL needs to learn to talk directly to me, and not through ‘interesting information’ she finds online and sends me via email. On topics she knows that I have no interest in reading, like the importance of vaccinating or a kindy in our neighbourhood.
I am also trying to get my head around our diet/food consumption and how best to protect myself through nutrition. High on my list of priorities is to protect myself from depression, something that has been part of my life on and off over the years. This has led me to fermented food, minimising oxalic acid and phytic acid as well as using fish oils, organic grassfed butter, organic grassfed meat and organic eggs (more about the eggs in another post). I have mastered making kimchi and sourdough bread and I am working on getting a good variety of fresh and fermented veggies into our lives.
And finally, the other pot on my stove, is my son himself. All of the above directly affects him of course. His environment is so crucial. I have joined a home-schooling group and been at the meet ups each week the last month. This has been fantastic for me, as I have found a group I feel very safe in. The women are fantastic and there are lots of kids. DS had a bit of a rough experience being dragged by a boy with special needs and is now reluctant to get off my lap. I am hoping that will change in time. I am also signed up to become part of a local organic gardening project. My hope is that we will find even more like minded families, and have the benefit of fresh produce that we grew ourselves.
On that note, there is always the option that we would leave Israel. One of the mums in the home-schooling group is moving to Canada. She has had enough of it being so damn hard here. She is Israeli, and she finds it hard. She is also a very feisty Israeli. I know that we do not have to stay here forever and ever. We do have options and possibly we will have to look into moving somewhere where I feel my son will be able to blossom and thrive, and where both me and my husband can be happy. Does such a place exist?