This has been a hard year.
My mother died, my father has met someone new and I have been having a dreadful time with my IL’s. I miss my friends and I am very nervous of having another child, even though I want one, and I want DS to have a sibling.
DH and I have been thinking about moving country to take some of the pressure off of me, although that is not going to happen now. For now we are here in Israel, and I am doing what I can to find ways to support myself here and make sure that I am OK wherever I am. I know in my heart that there are aspects to my happiness that are not dependent on where I live, and it is up to me to make sure my needs are being met whereever we live.
This has all been rather intense. My life went into fast forward since I started meeting with a lifestyle/food coach. I have been touching on all sorts of emotional issues in my life, and have found myself on a grain free diet, and at times in a heap on the floor, crying when DS asked me to read him his book, again. That day definitly got my attention, and DH’s attention – as he was often on the other end of the phone listening to me wail about what I failure I am. The shortened version, I am going for physilogical tests for minerals, amino acids etc and also looking at counselling.
I spoke with my fathers partner for the first time, and it was rather tense. Now I am worried about us not getting on, and what will that mean in the future for my relationship with my father. GAH. I really wish my mum had not died. I still get really angry that she has died and that she is not there for me, my father and my brother. I needed her to come and help with our second child. I needed her to be in Cape Town so that my home was always there. I needed her to be my mum.
For now, I have my brother visiting in 2 weeks, and his girlfriend joining for a few days. Shortly followed by a really good friend who is coming back for a visit and then my father comes out before we all fly to Berlin to meet his new partner and her family. It’s going to be a busy next couple of months.