And I am wide awake. My husband and son are fast asleep and I have snuck out to get my head around our news I guess that is why I can’t sleep. I am too excited.
Yesterday I got a very faint positive test for being pregnant.
The last two weeks have been quite intense, well actually the last month, and if it really comes down to it, the last year.
Two weeks ago I dreamed I gave birth to a little girl. When I was pregnant with DS I dreamed I gave birth to a little boy, so I paid attention to this dream. A week ago my maternal grandmother also died, making this last week bitter sweet. (more on that later)
A month ago I cut all grains and complex carbs out of my diet in an effort to stabilise my mood, in anticipation of being pregnant in the coming months. We were not planning on being pregnant this month. I have a whole slew of tests lined up to see what is going on in my body with regards to absorption and elimination of essential and toxic minerals, gut flora, amino acid profile etc. I have had high anxiety about being pregnant again with so little support, without my mum and just not sure how I will handle a toddler and a newborn. Anyway, I am essentially on a GAPS type of a diet.
So, if this pregnancy holds, I will be due 3 days after my mum’s birthday – which is really reassuring for me. I feel she will be with me – although I am sure it does not need to be related to her birthday. It is reassuring.
I will also hopefully be over the worst of the morning sickness (last time I had all day sickness) by the time I fly to Berlin for my fathers wedding.
I think being pregnant now is actually a good thing. It guides me on focusing on my life and helps me leave my fathers life alone. I have become so deeply involved in facilitating communication, as well as being my fathers confidant, that I know that I need to back out a bit. I need to trust that I will not loose my father. I need to trust this new woman – that she will love and share her her life with my father. I need to be OK in my life and focus on my family now.
I also think there has been enough death in my immediate life for a little while. I hope this pregnancy is a healthy and happy one. I do feel good so far. And I am so much more certain about how this pregnancy will be managed. I will not be getting ultrasounds, I will not be tested for a million and one things. I want to be left in peace, unless I feel something is wrong and warrants investigation. I think my most powerful lesson from my last pregnancy and birth, is the knowledge that my body knows. First and foremost.
I still remember the ultrasound technician scoffing at me when I came in for my 22 week scan and I had not done all the previous diagnostic scans. He asked me why, and I said that I saw no reason, and back home (South Africa) none of my friends are offered so many tests. He pretty much snickered and said he is the expert and there is no reason to avoid them, or something like that, and went on to torture me with a vaginal scan. At 22 weeks. Idiot. I will never, ever concede to such torture again. And most certainly not for a better view of my baby’s brain.
So, providing all goes well in the next 12 weeks, I will be planning a homebirth with a midwife. Now I just need to find her.
Oh, and I have one more test to do tomorrow morning.
ETA: If you know me in real life, please keep this news to yourself. I obviously would not like this news being shared just yet with people who know me.