This may turn out to be quite a heavy blog entry. I have had much on my mind in the last days, and I have been thinking, feeling and reading so much.
Firstly, I had a wonderful chat with the assistant of a midwife who lives fairly close to us. The midwife is on holiday, but we’ll be in touch in the next month. It was wonderful to share hopes, experiences and commiserate with a woman who has made similar choices to the choices I have made.
However, this is in the context of me being rather concerned about not finding a midwife who will support me, or be open to doing things my way. Put more honestly, I am terrified I won’t find a midwife who will support me and my birthing body. I have control issues.
There are three things that are weighing on my mind when it comes to this pregnancy and birth.
One, I will never, ever, ever have a transvaginal ultrasound again in my life. The last one was the most painful and intrusive experience for me, for absolutely no gain. I need to find someone who is OK with no ultrasound for calculating the EDD.
Two, I am concerned that I will have problems birthing my placenta, after the previous attempt. And subsequent mismanagement.
Three, it all boils down to childhood sexual abuse, and me being unable to succumb physically to all the tests and procedures that are expected from pregnant women.
In my previous pregnancy I was not honest about my terror of loosing control of my body *to another person*. I had no issues going with the flow of my birthing body. I even relished the experience of being able to trust my body. However, I could not contemplate my body being under anyone elses control other than my own.
And this is all much more intense right now. I will not give up control of my body, or allow anything to happen to my body that I am not in agreement with (unless my life is in immediate danger of course 😉 ). I feel very strongly about this.
And I am taking myself off for counselling. This has been all much more intense than I thought it would be. I know that I need emotional support through this pregnancy, and I will find it.