Tag Archives: frustrated

Fish out of water

I am sure I have alluded to the difficulties with my IL’s, particularly one set of them. FIL and his wife, and particularly the wife.

It’s not going away.

Step MIL (SMIL) does not approve of any choice that I have made as a mother/parent. From the birth through to where DS sleeps, vaccinations and what and when he eats is all met with the most scornful and biting disapproval and not so passive aggressive jibes. In my mind she has come to embody the *anti-mother*. She is highly distressed and offended by breastfeeding, convinced babies need to be left to CIO and not manipulate their parents, and that infants require a diet of meat, white flour products, sugar and dairy products. And let me point out that this is a woman who is a MD who works with diabetic patients. Our relationship has become strained to say the least. I react in the moment of conflict with her with silence, and then let loose at DH with a long list of words describing my sense of frustration, hurt, dislike of this woman: bully, disgusting, revolting, despicable, slimy, underhanded, unctuous, arrogant, ….. the words that flowed so freely today are now missing…. Yep, I do not really like her and for some reason that keeps tripping me up she gets under my skin each and every time.

And then I try and conjure some sympathy and the people around me just do not get it. I think she has some real problems with my choices as they threaten her and her choices. For someone who is so anti sleep sharing, I find it hilarious that her large dog crawls into her bed each and every night…. and it’s also a bit sad. Babies are supposed to be trained to sleep alone and dogs are allowed in bed… whatever. To me it is f*cked up.

And I am just having a crappy time with IL’s in general. MIL and her husband, while being emotionally very much there for us, think I am totally barmy for wanting to eat organic whole foods and beleive that it is a ‘personal taste’ choice that I am making. In their world,  I should be prepared to compromise on food. Somehow, in their reality, when you choose to drink OJ or apple juice, so you make the same decision if you choose organic or pesticides… it’s a matter of personal taste. And this frustrates the hell out of me. I get branded as this extreme individual who doesn’t like to compromise, and the people branding me just have no clue. It makes me hopping mad it does.

Gosh, how I wish I could find more people who didn’t freak out at the term ‘organic’ or ‘wholefood’ or ‘complementary medicine’ or ‘environmental’. I am really really tired of having to do what I know is best for my family while the people around me snicker behind their hands and feel oh so comfy on their high perches looking down on me and my choices. Inform yourself people. Ya’ll don’t even know what ya’ll are talking about.

I’m off to look for a comfy pond.


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little things

ARRRRGH! One of those days. Every little thing is just getting me down.

It started with our trip to the clinic. DH and I have been meaning to do our blood work for quite some time now and I also am supposed to be checking DS’s iron levels. And due to the public health system being what it is, I am registered at two clinics. One for me and DH (we like the Family Doctor) and one for DS (we like the nurse and really really dislike the nurse and ped at the clinic where we are registered). Anyway, it turns out that different clinics take babies blood at different stations and it just turned into a mess. The nurse and doctor I am avoiding turned out to be the team who take baby blood. The very people who I will never let touch my baby (very long story as to why). So, no test for DS today. We will have to schedule for another clinic….. anyway, this started my day. The same day that I have no hot water as my geyser is not working and both the gas bottles have run out so I can’t make my morning coffee and the bathroom drain is blocked and and and. A long list of little things that I am just not coping with. And DS will not go to sleep and the dog is whining…. I hate these kinds of days.

I curse myself for being so disorganised and procrastinating so much that things get into this situation at all. The fact that there are crumbs in my cutlery draw and that I have neglected to clean them out for a week now, the fact that our garden is overgrown and has dog pooh for about a month in it, the fact that the shelves that are being built are still not finished and furniture is being stored in DS’s room to be and that the house is just so not the relaxing haven that I aspire to.

The fridge shelves have sunflower seeds on them from a package that spilled….. I could go on and on.

I fantasise about that regular day where I know that today I will do the washing and tomorrow I will clean the fridge and the next day I will change the bedding. But this is so far from my reality. I live such an add hock life, kinda putting out fires instead of managing a healthy rhythm. And I so would love to have this rhythm, that my morning will look like ‘this’ and then my day progresses and my week has a regular turnover of activities to do. But at the same time my being goes “no, do not make it all so predictable, do not tie me down and choke my spontaneity”. And I argue back that it’s not a matter of being spontaneous. If I can keep things more organised and have a more relaxing home environment, I will still have time to do fun stuff. It’s the constant longing to only be doing fun stuff and the little things in life getting in my way. I keep trying to change my way of thinking so that the little things become worthy things – something that I do not inwardly cringe at doing. And then, after months or weeks of ignoring these little things, I have a melt down day and I charge into action and fight the battle of The Mess…. and I know it would be so much easier if I just did it every day little by little. 😦 ARgH! Why is it so hard?

DS is finally sleeping – as evidence that I am writing. Someone came to fix the geyser. DH is unblocking the drain, I am chucking things away and am about to clean out the crumbs from the cutlery tray and maybe even get rid of the spilled sun flower seeds…. but I fear that this will not be the last of it! I have to get this organized if I am going to make a success of being at home full time. Otherwise I will surely loose my mind from time to time.

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